Giving Thanks

I woke up this morning almost like it was any other day. I had fallen asleep on the couch while watching Ocean's Eleven and my neck was, and is, rather stiff because of it. I got off the couch and made my usual rounds. Coffee is of course one of the first things I go for. My mom was (and is) cooking in the kitchen. I therefore acknowledged Thanksgiving's presence, but wasn't quite awake enough yet to realize that there was (and is) a holiday happening.

I sat back down on the sofa with my cup of coffee and a muffin and was happily greeted by my dog who generally pretends she loves me to get food. I sat and I thought, "There is something different." I started thinking. "Oh, It's Thanksgiving." I stopped to think about everything that I have. I started to feel a little sad because the more I looked around, the more I felt it was a little sick that I have so much and that others have so little. I am more than likely being too pessemistic, but when I look up into heaven where God is, I see justice, and when I look back down, I do not. I began to feel very bothered at the fact t hat I had so much.

My mom and I recently moved to North Carolina and so we have a brand new, lovely apartment. We really have made it beautiful, I can say. I have spent some serious time neglecting school to do some decorating. It looks good. We have bought new curtains and we have put great thought into what wall art goes where. I say this to say that I look around and all that I have is beautiful. Most everything hanging on my walls serves no purpose other than to be beautiful. And I think, "Wow, I technically do not need that, but I am able to make something beautiful because I am fortunate enough to have enough money to do so." It's a little baffling.

Thanksgiving is what you make it. A few years ago, I remember posting here and mentioning that I saw no point in Thanksgiving. And the truth is that I didn't! I looked at popular culture and I saw people getting ready for a Christmas without Jesus and eating food that made them fatter and fatter. I saw people getting together with their families that they really did not want to be with, and trying to small-talk over a meal when they would much rather be watching tv or out at a bar to aid in their misery of...having to see their family.

So, no, when looking at what others make of it, I didn't see anything. But both yesterday and this morning I thought to myself, "Maybe we need a holiday to remind us to be thankful." Even though we should be thankful every day, maybe we need time set aside to sit quietly and reflect on the state of the world and the wealth that we have in it.

My goal is to be thankful all the time, and I feel really that I am. It's not uncommon for me to sit and think about all I have, to be honest with you. And maybe it's because of that in me that I now think Thanksgiving is alright. But it is not about the holiday, really. The holiday, by popular culture standards, is about a lot of things. It is about seeing family, the pilgrams who took the land from the indians, about our country, about food. I can't really connect with all of these things. Mainly the pilgram and indian deal. I guess what I am saying is that I have connected with Thanksgiving in a personal way, and I think that is what it takes.

Thanksgiving is what you make it. My heart says this is what is important to me–––poverty, unjustice, western-wealth, social inequality. And because all of those things are so important to me, Thanksgiving means much more. Why? Because I know I am on the good end of those things. I've got the better end of the deal and I am thankful.

Application? Thanksgiving will be as much of a blessing to you as you acknowledge it to be. If you are moseying through it like many people are, then look for something to make it mean more. Find Jesus and His abundance in the little things, and keep that going long after today.

Life and Rwanda

It seems I am phenominal at doing this horribly. The teacher (me) is going to give me (the student) another day, however, to make it right. The original assignment was actually only four days long, and it was I (the student) that changed it to five days. But it was originally the teacher (me) that assigned four days of journalling. Oh my goodness!

Yesterday and today I watched Hotel Rwanda, a movie about the genocide that occured in 1994 in Rwanda between two tribes. The Hutus mass murdered the Tutsis in a number of months, while the UN stood watch, and the west avoided acknowledging the existence of the problem. I cried over and over during this movie. I watched most of it yesterday evening, and then the rest of it today after work. It was very moving. I love people. I love Africans. In some places, they go through so very much. Countries in Africa have often gone through much more than I could ever imagine. The Rwandan genocide was a terrible crisis that was quite unfortunately ignored, and the country's economy is still paying for it. Many people in Rwanda live below the poverty line.

Last night I began to look up children up for sponsorship in Rwanda (which I would want to take on if I had the money to at this point), and noticed children born just months after the terrible genocide. This either means that they are Hutus, or that their mothers survived the crisis. While the former is more likely, the thought of the latter deeply moved me. I wanted so bad to take those children under my wing–––I want so badly to be able to help them.

The movie was a realistic narrative around a man named Paul, a successful owner of a local well-known hotel. He was a Hutu. He used his money, his connections, and his power to rescue around 1,200 refugees from being brutally murdered. He stayed with his fellow Rwandans even after he could have escaped for certain freedom, because he could not have lived with the blood of those refugees on his hands. He is still alive today, as well as his Tutsi wife and children, to tell the story. He is now one of my heros.

But the movie is over, and while I am aware of many problems in the world, I have to remind myself that I can't actually save the entire world, and that I am not responsible to do it on my own. In the Lord's timing, I will help–––I will be of service to those who need me. In the Lord's timing, I will do my best to complete his will on earth. Praise God.

Alas, I must depart from this place. I must go and complete my other studies. Until next time, remember the Africans.


Rachel A. Kennedy

Here I Am Again

It seems I missed a journaling day yesterday. I suppose one can't be perfect at completing school assignments, especially unusual ones. You would think that because I spend so much time on the internet, and enjoy online journaling, that this assignment would be a breeze, but for some reason I keep forgetting about it! Oh well. Let us continue on.

My day was fine. The only reasons my day was not good, were that I did not get enough sleep, which seems to happen often, and that I have not gotten my schoolwork done. I worked this morning from 7:00 AM 'til around 12:45 PM, afterwhich, I ventured to Blockbuster to rent a couple of movies, then to the local fruit stand for, well, fruit, and lastly, to the grocery store to get a refund on something that had been over-priced. I believe I got home around 2:00 PM. Since my mom got off of work early today, I sat with her for quite a while, actually, just talking about our days and our experiences. She eventually left the house to go get her new glasses, and by that time, it was around 3:00 PM. By mid-afternoon, if I haven't done anything, I usually feel as though my day is already gone. I feel like it is too late to accomplish anything, so I tend to give up. Sometimes I throw the baby out with the bath water, you could say.

I suppose I did that today. It is now 5:00 PM and I still haven't done any schoolwork, other than what I am now typing. And if I were to pick one thing to accomplish, should this be it? No, I don't think so.

Which means, this one will be short. My deepest apologies for this. But I must go accomplish what I have not yet accomplished.


Rachel A. Kennedy

A New Day Has Begun

Today is a new day. I feel as though I am just beginning my day, but it is actually 2:55 PM, and that is hardly the beginning of any day. I have been awake since approximately 10:00 AM, and even though that was a late start, my day has been going ever since then.

I haven't done much with my day yet, though. So far, I have mostly rested. I have to tell myself that it was a wonderful restful morning, and that I needed that rest, to escape from any condemning thoughts, such as, "You haven't started school yet?" or "So far, you have wasted your day away." Maybe those are true sometimes, I'm not sure. But the truth is, I don't have to work today. I have no reason to begin my education at an early hour when I have all day, unless I just wanted to. Apparently I didn't want to.

So, here I am, really beginning my day. I come here, to DaSylva's Coffee, quite often. It seems that whatever battery that made me run when I was schooling at home has died. It seems I have to find an outlet to plug myself into, and coffee shops are it. I no longer have any desire to do school when I am at home. Maybe it is because I have "senioritis," or maybe it is because I have been doing it on my own, in isolation, for so long. But either way, I have to get out of my house in order to complete all of my tasks.

So, here we are. I am sitting by a window with a hot cup of coffee, my earbuds in my ears, and Ryan Adams serinading me as if he is in love with me too. He isn't, but it makes for a nice thought. My coffee is in a nice white mug and has a bit of milk in it. I usually drink my coffee black, but there are times when I am more in the mood for a softer taste, and I guess that is the mood I am in now.

Last night I spoke with Joseph on the phone, and that was a bit difficult. I despise hurting anyone, but especially him. I am trying to make the best decisions in my life, and I know that I will do a little flying and a little failing. I can't be perfect, and I hope that God will help me not expect myself to be, but I do want to do my best. I feel like I am doing alright with myself, though, concerning Joseph. I realized, especially, that I must be honest with myself, and that while I must think of others before myself, I cannot move into keeping peace simply because I want to be comfortable. What I mean is, I cannot deny my own feelings to make my best friend happy. As much as I would want to cause him no harm, I have to do what is best for both of us–––for our lives. This takes strength–––strength I believe I am developing.

Codependency, would be a good name for it. I love to save people. And I am not saying Joseph loves to be saved, but I suppose "codependency" comes to mind because it is what I grew up with, and I assume I am prone to it because of that. My mom wanted to save my dad, and my Dad wanted to be saved. We do things like this as humans for comfort. We are always looking for ways to make up for our experiences. My dad, for instance, wasn't nurtured like he should have been, and therefore still seeks that which he did not receive from his parents. My mom, on the other hand, had a relatively distant father, and therefore, wants to make sure everyone is happy. She has said that she thought she had to hold the family together a bit whenever there were hard times. I am not, by any menes, trying to sum up my parents decisions and faults in a few simple sentences. I am using blanket statements, and I am aware of this. It is not simple. Emotions are not simple and life is not simple. But, these are pieces of the great puzzles of who we are, and I am just summarizing a bit of my thoughts instead of writing 30 pages of intense psychological nonsense. I probably wouldn't be quite educated enough to do that anyway.

I love my parents. They have done a wonderful job. They gave more to me than they got from their parents, and while my mom's family life, especially, wasn't too shabby, no one's parents are perfect. And we can only get but so much truth and freedom from them.

The family is a beautiful system. As a child, I need things that only my father can give, as well as things only my mother can offer. They are both crucial rolls in my growing up. There are things I have missed from not having a whole family all of my life. But I am alright, and at least I know God can and wants to heal me from any pain or silly decisions I have made because of this imperfect experiences. I am going to make it, and can clearly see, I am much more whole than many other people out there. I haven't gone through hardly anything compared to many, many beautiful souls out there. I thank my Lord for that.

Well, I suppose I will wrap this up. It is fun writing like this. I am enjoying my assignment. Since I am a day behind in this journaling endeavor, I will post later after I have completed my other studies.


Rachel A. Kennedy

Education and Thought

This week in my homeschooling venture, I have decided to give myself an extra writing assignment–––to keep myself fresh. The assignment is to journal every day this week (starting yesterday, which I missed). So, I am going to complete that assignment here. I am going to journal my entire week here, and then grade myself on grammar and clarity and such.

It is really just a exercise, I suppose. It is good to be in the habit of writing...to be in the habit of expressing thoughts. I want to be in the habit of expressing myself. I want to be able to communicate my thoughts clearly in life. I would like to think that I already do that relatively well, but I know I always have room to grow.

So, what is my life like lately? It is an interesting question to ask, and an interesting question to answer. It is interesting because it is hard to answer simply. It is hard to explain my life, or how I am doing, when it all seems to be so complex. Life and feeling and experience–––it is hard to put simply or to define. Sometimes it just doesn't make much sense.

But I am doing fine. And yet, I settle for the word fine, because it seems to be a compromise in between the truely beautiful things happening in my life, and the rather difficult or strange things happening in my life. It is hard to say whether I am dreadful, daft, lovely, happy, silly, or splendid, so I conclude that I am all of the above, and that can be summarized with the word fine.

Communication is very interesting. My choice of words is different than the next guy's choice of words, and so on. The way I speak and conclude to think or say different things is based, for the most part, off of my life and my experiences, and is therefore, different than yours. So, it seems as though, because of our differences, that no matter how close we are, you can't know exactly what I mean by "fine." I can try to explain it, but I don't think anyone else but God himself can really know exactly how I am doing.

I am doing fine. My life is my life is my life, and I am doing fine. I am excited about my life. I am excited to live, and excited to learn. I hate school, but I am excited to be in school. I hate that I am where I am in life, because I tend to look toward the future a little too much, but yet, I am still happy to be here. I know preparation in any situation is key. It is a crucial puzzle piece and nothing makes sense without it. I know that my hard work now–––in my school, in my spiritual life–––will prepare me for my future–––will prepare me for what God has for me.

So, welcome to my week of journaling. I am looking forward to the experience. I am looking forward to sharing a little bit of my heart, even if communication stands in the way of what my spirit really wants to tell you. I will do my best to explain who I am, and what I am going through. I will do my best to write with clarity and excellent grammar (although I doubt I will be perfect with either). This is the beginning–––this is our beginning. Let's go.

I will write another entry in a couple of hours to count for today's assigment, as I am afraid this can only count as yesterday's.


Rachel A. Kennedy

No More Xanga

No one goes there anyway. I am tired of looking for social life on the internet. It doesn't happen in the right places anymore. On Xanga, we used to post entries and have conversations that meant something. But now everyone is on Myspace and Facebook...the ME ME ME sites. The hear, come look at all of these things I am into, check out the 50 pictures of me, and post comments that act as replacements for real conversation in our relationship sites. No more! No, I will write where no one reads! I will write in an online journal that few know about, and I will enjoy it.

-Rachel

Two Thousand Six

Since 2006 began, my life has mostly sucked. In the beginning I moved to Florida. Thus, moving away from the man I am in love with. Ever since then, and even a little before then, I have been on a constant struggle–––a constant path toward or from something. I can't decide which. Until recently, I haven't known what any of it meant. For a while I just thought I was going crazy. I've never really had a time in my life that was depressing. Not until this year. It's been a bit of an emotional roller coaster. And recently I realized...

All of this has been for one thing, and one thing alone. I have struggled through many important questions, and high amounts of doubt, all for this: to know God.

I realized recently that growing up in a western Christian culture, I didn't get a lot of important questions answered. It turned out that I had questions I never knew I had. And taking the time to stop and sort them out had nothing to do with me. God was gracious enough to sort them out for me. He is just that good.

What I mean is that, growing up, you don't go to church and find answers to questions like, Why do I exist? Why do I cry myself to sleep every few months, and don't know why? Why do I feel love and pain? You go to church and instead, you hear sermons intitled Three Godly Prayer Principles, Six Ways to Have a Godly Marriage, or How to Increase Your Knowledge of God. You hear people fighting over theology, arguing about whether someone should be teaching that class, or you find yourself in a business meeting where you learn that the ten commities involved with this have changed that and are raising money for a new welcome sign.

It turns out that when you grow up in a world that only teaches you how to do things, then you miss out on the deep, authentic love relationship, and maybe even more than you realize.

I've come to really understand the meaning of wrestling with the questions. God could reveal things to us at any time, but we have to want them before thay can be there. I have been finding this out for twelve months. I'm not done.

To wrestle with something, instead of finding a quick way out (like what we're used to), brings a certain depth in understanding that simply using five steps to solve it could never do. To go to the root of an issue, or to wrestle for an answer to the ultimate question, means something more. It means that embarking on a true search is necessary. It means that you have to deny the easy answers, and struggle through the hard ones until the toothpick comes out clean.

Almost all of this year I have been in doubt. I thought it was my own doubt; new doubt. New doubt that I somehow aquired in my disbelief of God. I've come to find out that they were questions that were there all along, and never got answered, because a dysfunctional group of people, who call themselves Christians, didn't know the answers either. I realized that all of this doubt and pain came from a place inside of me that I thought was nonexistant, and that God was mercifully pulling it all out of me, so that I could see what He wanted me to see.

This is something I could never do on my own. Nor is it something anyone could ever do without God's revelation of the reality.

You see, I am slowly realizing something about love. I have been looking up from the bottom of this ladder. This ladder is all of Christianity. This ladder is what I have climbed my whole life. It is everything–––good, bad, ugly, lovely. This ladder is my life, and the life of everyone else who claims Christianity–––religious or relational. I have been looking up from the bottom of this ladder and seeing things that I couldn't see while I was on it. I see things that I would have never seen if God had never plopped me here, at the bottom, to look at the whole picture.

I feel like He is telling me that none of this matters. By none of this, I mean, the do. It's like I have said before, I am not a human doing, I am a human being. I am slowly realizing that I am nothing, and that everyone is nothing, and that is totally okay. Believe it or not, it's okay with God too. He knew what He was creating when He created it. For some reason we think He didn't know what He was getting into. I don't know why we think that.

The bottom line for me right now is that, Jesus came to this earth, right? He came to this earth and He said, "Marry Me!" I said, "Yes." He said, "Okay, now your name changed. You didn't really change, but your name did, so it doesn't matter what you do, you've got my name for good. It's important that you try, but the most important thing is that you realize how much I love you, and how you don't actually have to do anything to pay me back. You can't anyway." And I said, "But God, your people are telling me I have to do these ten things to be a good Christian. They're telling me I have to go to church every time the doors are open. They're telling me that if I listen to certain kinds of music, that you won't love me anymore, and that if I don't constantly try to 'do' for you, then you will be displeased, and I will need to confess over and over because my name isn't actually changed for good." And he said, "Oh gosh, what? I never said that!"

What I am saying is that God changed my name and that was the end. Does morality matter? Yes. Does theology matter? Yes. But have you noticed how many souls theology debates have won to the Lord lately? Yes, i've noticed that too. Not many. When we focus foremost on how to live, we then appear like any other religious system. And we wonder why people don't understand! Go survey your neighbors and see what they think of the church. Get into reality, talk to people other than Christians. You'll see that the church is a little caught up in itself sometimes, and that the person of Jesus didn't have that in mind. Jesus loves me. I love Him. I believe that if I am truely in awe of His being, and if I really accept is love, the rest will eventually fall into place. It is, after all, out of His grace and love that I am here with this insight today. He had me wrestle with reality. He had me face my fears, my doubts, and my worries, which by the way, are never going to totally go away. I am too finite. But, He had me see that He is it. He is all. He is for me, not against me. And He changed my name for good at the cross.

There is an enormous difference between scriptural Christiantiy and other religions. That difference is the relational aspect. We damage so much when we sell the gospel like and intellectual club to join, because people miss the point and see it as just another belief system to choose from. We know this is not the truth, but I can certainly understand why it is viewed that way. I do hate what the church has become, but more than anything my heart aches inside of me for it to be made right, for people to know the Jesus I know, and especially those who feel utterly hopeless inside. I can't explain the passion I feel, but I really love people. I want them to find happiness and meaning, and I want them to know true authentic relationship. If anyone has questions, please ask me, I am up for answering them.

Here is scriptural Christianity in a nutshell...

Jesus came to this earth and said, "You're broken. I'm not broken. Marry me and I'll give you my last name––my identity. We can share that identity, and we can be in love, and life will not be perfect, but it had to be this way. My Father wanted to give you and everyone else choices in life. He didn't want you to be puppets. He wanted authentic relationship with you that you chose. This is free."

That is the bottom line. And that is all I have to say at this time.

Thanks for listening.

Sincerely,
Rachel A. Kennedy

Him.

Sorry, but I am not going to follow up on the former entry. There is no part two. I'm out of my groove. It's over.

I have off and on considered leaving Xanga all together. I don't enjoy posting on it very much anymore, and I don't really appreciate a certain circle of friends that I have unfortunately gained there. I can't seem to really say how I feel, and I also seem to be easily angered at them.

I honestly people would just stop, sit down, and let God reveal more to them. I am so sick of church. I am so sick of Christian culture. All we care about is the sin of others instead of the hearts and well-being of the people. It makes me sick to my stomach and my heart aches within me for a change. I don't seem to know what to do with the way I feel, because there is no quick answer, like I have been bred by America to want. I hate that. I hate it.

It comes down to this, guys: no one on the planet actually has a clue what they're doing.

Sometimes we think we do, don't we. And sometimes we'll tell others about what we "know" or "what God taught me," and who knows, ten years down the road, we'll look back and realize it was very blind and ignorant. While in other areas, we will never realize that we've been wrong all along, and go on in our confidence telling people about what we think is the knowledge of God.

Let's face it, we can sing to God, we can feel His presence, and we can genuinely want to do things for Him, but when it comes to sitting silent for ten minutes in awe of Him (which, by the way, has nothing to do with doing anything), we end up thinking about other things, or some kind of sin, and can't come to be with Him quietly, without an agenda, or without a distraction.

I feel like my only purpose in life right now is to know Him. And no matter what I say about Him, I somehow get hammered for it by other Christians. Lately though, I can hardly blame them, because I am so often reminding myself about how none of us have a clue, and just to let it go. But I feel like my only agenda right now is to be in awe of Him. I want to be able to be in total awe of the poetry of His being, of sunsets, of creation. I want not religion, but Him. I want not unrealistic optimism, but trueness and authenticity. I want reality. I want God. I want relationship. I need it. I need it more than anything, and I only wish that others would understand their need for it too. I wish the sales pitches would stop. I wish the commercialized gospel would stop. I wish the religious would stop telling me I am wrong, and finally see what Jesus saw...people.

I guess I just wish that we did have a clue, but I am simultaneously fine and content with not. I feel like that is a reality I have found---the reality of me, of us. It is understanding that I am not much of anything, and though that seems like an elementary concept, it's not---it's not at all. It only seems that way because of over-used terms, and also because I can't seem to think of any other way to say it. But it's not elementary at all, and I would also go as far to say that none of us really understand it. We may understand a little piece for a little while, but it's a revelation, and that is the only way I have ever truely understood that little piece. And I am so finite that when I get it, I can't even keep it. I have to regain it over and over.

I just love God, and I love truth, but I can't see religious rules as part of that. My God is so freeing---my Jesus is so loving---the reality I am beginning to understand is not western, and if we were not here in America, I wonder if we would get it---if we would understand it better. But I don't know. People all over the world are screwed up, but that's okay, it happens. It can't really not happen. Anyway.

I'm just tired.

Whenever I look for God in religion, I can't seem to find Him.

I just want to look for Him now. That is all I want.

Blessings to you in your life.

Sincerely,
Rachel

Living and Learning, Pt. I

It has been quite some time since I have posted here–Quite some time. Hardly anyone knows about this blog anyway. This is different than my Xanga. I write silly things there, anything and everything. Here I write more seriously. Here I tell about the things God is doing, am usually totally honest, and try to use good grammar and things like that.

So, what is going on? I am learning so much–almost too much. At times it has felt like I am learning more than anyone else has at once, spiritually. I don't necessarily mean it in a good way, I mean, I have been burdened. I have been in a place where God is cutting me open, taking things out, and sewing me shut, which hurts. All of the pain medicine I've been desiring hasn't really helped, and it doesn't need to. I need to feel. I need to learn what I am learning, and go through what I am going through. There will always be a scar from this incision, but I'll be a more healthy and more stable human being in the end.

The thing is, I have been dealing a lot with root issues that most people never think of. I hope I say that without pride. I cannot guarantee that, but what I mean is that the church is unfortunately uneducated about root issues and causes for our behaviors and actions and feelings. Thank you God for putting me in places to where I can learn these things. So, there have been things like self-defense mechanisms and other issues that I have learned throughout my life so far, and that I am learning to deal with now. Such things have to do with my dad, relationships, keeping myself safe in those relationships. There has been a constant battle to grow closer to God since a few weeks before I moved to Florida. I guess that means I have a big call on my life.

But recently, this started with my jealousy over a girl I hardly know. The darling love of my life, Joseph, used to think he was going to marry this girl (before I knew him, of course), and it came up several weeks ago that she was in town again and they wanted to get together. Obviously, I am in Florida (I guess this journal missed my moving there! I live in Florida now), and he is in North Carolina, and I had also never met the girl at the time. I didn't feel okay about it, but I thought I was being unrealistic. I have guy friends, he has girl friends, and that is okay. But, I was having real trouble with this. A few weeks later, maybe three weeks ago, I drempt that they were hanging out together a lot, leaving me behind. I woke up thinking, What in the world? I have no reason to dislike this girl, but I still don't want them hanging out, and now I have had this dream. God, what is going on? Is this dream from you?

After praying into it some, I felt like God wanted me to look into the different reactions I had in this dream, and the reasons for them. So I began to dig. As I dug, I began to find pieces of information that lead deep into my motives. I noticed in the dream, that when Joseph and this girl were off on their own, I would hang around another guy, kind of looking for attention, say, as a sorce of comfort. This was looking to things other than God for comfort, which eventually boils down to idolatry. I had to confess idolatry. This might seem weird, I know. When you think of idolatry, you think of literal idol worship, or things that are more important to you, like boys or music, but this was more of an idolatrous action. I want comfort in something tangible, for lack of a more clever word, and so far I've found it in what people thought of me (and like things). This wasn't so much sobering, because I knew it was there, but coming to a realization and revelation of the true me is always breathtaking, in a way. I live and I think I am good, and it turns out that the Bible is right when it says I do not know my own heart.

The second thing was that I maintained control of the situation. Basically, I either agreed with people too much to avoid conflict, or I blasted them with knowledgeable sounding words, and could win any argument I got into, which used to be the kind of person I was. I believe that getting rid of these things is a process, and I still have some ways to go, but what I mean is, I really used to be that person. I was good with words and I used them to keep the situation under my control, and it worked. It has been a long, long time since I have gotten in an argument, but those needs for protection are subtly still in me. And this is one of the ways I reacted in the dream to the situation. Avoiding conflict.

There were other things, and I won't go on and on, but I finally concluded that the jealousy is not really the problem. I had this revelation that many people may not understand without God revealing it to them personally, but basically, it is okay to feel. I know that sounds so simple, but really, it is okay to feel. God gave us these emotions, and he gave them to us so that we can know what he is like, while they also allow us to feel what sin is like...which is why any pain exists, anyway. But we have emotions, and they have to go somewhere, and all I have ever done all my life is tuck them inside. I always thought it wasn't okay to feel them. Furthermore, I thought certain things were wrong to feel, so they would get tucked inside, too.

Take fear, for instance. Jesus said, "Do not fear." Listen, I am all for that, but sometimes I fear, and it is not good or righteous that I think I have a reason to fear, but the problem is not the feeling of fear, itself, but the motive behind the fear.

You see, when I am afraid, there is a reason, and the fear is there, in a way, to let me know that there is a reason–that there is something wrong with my thinking. Feeling the fear is a good and healthy thing, and I cannot just push it down, because it is there. I need to deal with what is behind it, however, if the feeling is already there, it is unfortunately not healthy to push it down and say, "That is wrong." Now that it is there, you have to do something with it. Like I said, most of the time I have chosen to keep it inside, but I have recently been learning things that have changed my life.

And this is a good place to end. Haha. I have to go to sleep now, because I must awaken at 7:30 and have a day filled with happiness and schoolwork.

Part II will come soon. Thanks for reading, folks.

Really a North Carolinian,
And With Much Sincerity,
Rachel

Coffee Breath

All kinds of people go to coffee shops for all kinds of reasons. I used to think only the really cool people with the hippie hair congregated there. Then I started going to DeBeen more often and I realized that it is something nearly everyone enjoys, whether they like coffee or not. Maybe all of the middle-aged, divorced mothers and fathers saw all of the young, socially sophisticated artists going and ordering espresso macchiato and thought it might be fun to tag along at a distance. Then again, maybe they were there first and the artists and scene kids came later. Either way, coffee is really big in America, and will be for quite some time. But, sometimes I wonder if Americans really like coffee as much as it is let on. All I seem to hear is, “I need the caffeine,” and that does not mean you like coffee, it means you are addicted to caffeine. But this is over-looked, because we’re a little bit caught up in the trend of coffee drinking, or in the least, the trend of visiting Starbucks on a semi-regular basis to purchase and consume the drinks that contain no coffee.

Now concerning the practices of different social parties, there are but two routes of action than can be taken when a new vogue, such as coffee, comes into play (If you are into this kind of thing). One can either reject the practice, saying, “No, we mustn’t associate ourselves with the fad taken on by this countering social group,” or the more annoying and slightly more characteristic, “Oh boy, let us do this too! But let us change it to fit our stereotype’s distinctions in order to remain diverse in society.” (What?) The latter seems to be more of the attitude when dealing with coffee, although it does come in many forms and fashions. For instance, you have the artists that along with the coffee connoisseur types, tends toward the espresso drinks that are alien to overpowering syrups and sweet flavoring. They most likely have their own personal espresso machines at home that they use after their dinner parties, but they still like to stop by to sit and read their novels. Then you have your southern American school kids that usually either prefer to drink the coffee-less cream drinks, or the weak joe driven by rich fruity syrup. Even still, there are the college-aged activists that will only drink fairly traded, organic, and decaffeinated coffee to please their scene of environmental wholeness and human rights. And there are of course, those who find it trendy and cool to have a long, drawn out, and unique order, such as, “I’d like one tall, double shot, white chocolate mocha, iced, with soymilk, decaf, extra milk froth, with raspberry, butterscotch, and cinnamon syrup topped with whipped cream, please,” ending with a gasp for breath and a look over the shoulder to see which of their friends were paying attention.

I would speculate that most people like coffee just fine, but that when one pays $4.00 for their Grande Soy Latte, they are also paying for the increase of acceptance in today’s culture, where coffee is the thing to drink. All the while, the people they desire to fit in with are doing the exact same thing, because although the enjoyment they get from their specialty coffee drink is real, they still wouldn’t be paying $4.00 every other day if everyone else thought it were stupid.

Is it possible that my words are a little exaggerated and far fetched? I would suppose so. Nonetheless, whether these simple accusations are accurate or not, I would retort the silliness of social performance any day. The fact is, as you may or may not have guessed, coffee has nothing to do with the real issue. We could analyze behaviors all day long, and we would get as far as doing only that. We would get as far as analyzing more behaviors, noting the silliness of them, and scheduling a meeting for the next discussion, and that would not solve anything. (It would, however, be fun to meet for these discussions were they held at coffee shops.)

The real issue is that a very low percentage of people in America have a clue about life. That’s right, I said hardly anyone has a clue about Life, the life of the true and living Messiah. We roam around our houses, workplaces, malls, and coffee shops just living life the best we can, trying to make money, make friends, fit in, and be good people. Even the churchgoers are scheduling their own agendas and dressing to impress. How can this be? Even people seeking Religious help and praying daily can’t make decisions without basing them off of what people will think? Excuse me, but I thought those who claimed Christianity were supposed to be living above these social standards in freedom and acceptance, but the followers of Christ are not living that way. Instead, we are fitting in with the rest of the coffee drinkers and social groups just like everyone else. It seems most people don’t think they have a choice. The thought never really comes to mind that this need of acceptance is something laced with insecurity that can be helped. I think most people believe it is just a part of life that we have to deal with. And that is true. We do have to deal with it, but we do not have to live with it.

The cool thing about Jesus is that he offers total acceptance and forgiveness. Most people reject this completely, others do their best to accept it, and some merely pretend to accept it. No matter which of these boats a man is in, the truth is that you can live in the acceptance that Jesus is offering you instead of just talking about it. No matter what social group you associate yourself with, the reasons you make your decisions, or how much you pay for coffee every week, He still offers it to you.

I once knew a girl that had a horrendous past that she couldn’t ever get over. (This has nothing to do with coffee.) She was very wounded from the way her Mother treated her, and the reality of her Father abandoning her. Years into her painful family venture, her over-worrying Grandparents obtained custody of her. Although she was walking into a much better atmosphere, her Grandmother would unknowingly reopen these wounds with pitying words and the sharing of stories about her past with other people. “Please pray for her,” she pleaded, over and over. She hurt so much for her granddaughter that her granddaughter was even more unable to deal with these wounds and accept Adonai’s love. However, the girl continued attending church and talking the talk, trying to make it seem like nothing ever happened to her, or maybe that she had accepted all of the things Jesus promised us. Other people’s words and actions affected her so, and she has never gotten over it.

Now, I find it appropriate to note that I judge no one for these mistakes, and that I know not your heart or motives. I simply know that these motives exist, though it is usually uncertain where they take residence. This Grandmother would have never wanted to hurt this beautiful child, and I do not believe for a second that she even realized she was doing it, but our mistakes are many times out of ignorance, and out of our own insecurities that we know nothing of. We go places, buy things, and drink things for reasons that we do not know. We think and we believe, and we do not always believe the right thing. Coffee is not the issue, but merely an example. It seems that our long orders, trendy drinks, and sophisticated hangouts aren’t really what they seem. Maybe we should take a second look at why we do what we do, and why we enjoy what we enjoy. It has proven to be worth it time and again.

I would like to note that I am not here to give you a step-by-step guide to ensuring your active belief in the truth of God’s acceptance. Many people try to do that, and there is no point to it, for I cannot instruct you to believe something, but can only present it before you. The idea that you are totally accepted, secure, and loved in Christ Jesus is quite frankly a large idea to grasp. Our identities have become so wound up in the opinions of imperfect humans, that we cannot even begin to function under the law of graceful acceptance without a lot of change. God’s acceptance of you is automatic, but your acceptance of His acceptance is often damaged by the way humans have affected you, what you have believed about those experiences, and really, a whole load of other things as well. It happened to the girl I knew, and it happens to many others. When your identity rests in your insecurities, your identity will be insecure.

When it comes down to placing your identity in the hands of God, there is no condemnation. He wants you to do it. He wants you to come and live freely in Him. Dismiss the thought that you are messing up and stop condemning yourself! God Himself does not expect perfection out of you. If His grace was not sufficient for all of our problems, then you would already be dead and in hell, but it is. His grace is sufficient, His acceptance is complete and pure, and He doesn’t mind your coffee breath. In fact, He very much enjoys your sincere enjoyment of coffee, and your time with friends, whether you are doing everything perfectly or not. He just desires that you to come to Him and ask Him to change these things in you. Your willingness is crucial, but if you don’t yet feeling willing, tell Him so, and ask Him to do it anyway. We cannot change on our own, and we cannot move forward without the Holy Spirit’s help. We must leave this up to Him who offers the acceptance.

There are 6 billion people on the face of this earth, and a lot less Christians than that. I do not know any of their hearts. They may be buying their hot drinks out of sincere desire for it, and they may be buying their clothing because they just want to be comfortable. I do not know, and may never know. But Adonai always knows, and He always wants you no matter what your heart is running after the fastest. He will always invite you back for another cup of His love, acceptance, and grace. He will always invite you back.

Ah, the Smell of Clean Laundry.

The time has come (the walrus said) for my mother and I to move. I realize that I have not mentioned this before now, but it has been in the works for a few months. We haven't been sure when it would take place, because of our odd living arrangements, already. We have lived in a camper for three years because the Lord said to. There have been many valuable lessons in it, and I am grateful for all of them. I am also grateful for a brand new mother; completely different from a few years back. She is one reason why processes like these are easier than they should be. Although, the LORD has His hand in it, and that is why.

About two months back, Ellel Ministries offered my mom a job as the Prayer Coordinater for the US headquarters they are starting. Ellel Ministries is based in the UK, and has grown over these past 20 years to having 14 centers all across the globe, the newest addition being Lithia, Florida, which is yet to have it's own center, but the land has been bought, and the plans are being drawn.

Lithia is a suburb of Tampa, Florida, and that is where we will be moving to. I am excited about being so close to the water, and it being hot all year. Although, I do like all of the seasons this world has to offer, and I don't like it hot for very long, but I suppose I am just looking forward to something different; a different atmosphere; the beachy atmosphere. It will be superb!

There is much to do, and a lot going on, at least it feels that way. And there is a lot of laundry to do, in order to pack it. I'd like to have wearable clothing when it gets out! Alright... I better be off to finish these things!

I will share more later.

Fulfill or Abolish

Finally i've time to at least copy something from my other blog, www.xanga.com/blackpeachtree, to here. Enjoy.

Let's talk about the difference between Yeshua fulfilling the law, and Yeshua doing away with it. Because the word used in the scriptures is "fulfill," and not "abolish." Yeshua even said that He did not come to abolish the law (get rid of it), but rather, to fulfill it (bring it to it's fullest point). Most simply put, the difference between the old testament law and the new testament law is the relationship aspect. Motive is everything. That is what changed. The point, before, was more less to keep people, in a lawless world, from killing each other (like I've seen it put). However, it was still God's law, and He still is the one who put it in place. This is something that has seemed to be over looked.

The fact is, God never changes. This most definitely doesn't mean that He doesn't do new things, in new ways, but He can never contradict Himself in doing so. Why would He establish something said to be so important, tell us that all generations would live by it, and then later be like, "Okay, well, I guess it's not necessary since my sinless Son is now available for a direct connection for you and Me," and forget the whole thing ever happened? Is that not a contradiction? Here it comes! I am a forgiven being, that was once a sinner, and then I became, by Biblical definition, a saint; an heir of God's kingdom. I live under grace, and by grace alone, just as scripture tells me. This in no way means that I, myself, am to abolish the law. God clearly told me not to. But, I now have the Holy Spirit, and a direct connection with Yeshua, and the Father, and that relationship enables me to have right motives in doing the law. The most important thing, hands down, is to love the LORD with all of your heart, and all of your soul, and all of your mind. And it is not necessarily by loving Him that you DO the law, but by loving Him, you find you WANT to do the law.

Most people I know go through life on a roller coaster, saying, "It's really hard sometimes to stay in my Bible, and to pray every day. Most weeks I just go to church and that is it," when all God wants to say to them in that time is, "Honey, you're doing just fine. I love you with all of My heart, regardless. Just trust Me, and know Me, and I will make your path straight." You see, the more we know just who HE is, the more we will love Him. The more we truly believe (our belief determines our actions) who He is, the more we will love Him. The more that we love Him, the more we will want to do His will, which He made foundationally clear in the law, that He clearly did not abolish.

I could go on and on emphasizing the importance of obeying Him, obeying the law that He set forth in the first five books of the Bible (the Torah), give you scripture references, original wording, and maybe some really great points to back this up, but I believe the truth of the matter is there is something much more important to deal with first. If you are not truly in love with His very being, and feeling a desire to please Him, instead of just wanting to "do what is right," then the law, should you try to go by it, would not be being fulfilled in the new testament sense. Once you fall in love with your Creator, and actually make Him your master (we're not asking for perfection here, just sincerity of heart), then you are in a position to obey the law in Spirit and in Truth, because the motive will then be set, and the law will not be works based, but faith, belief, and truth based. The law is terribly important, but only when we are doing it the way Christ said to do it.

Over and over you see things like Jesus healing on the Sabbath, or the disciples picking crop for food on the Sabbath, and the Pharisees having a cow about it, because this Jesus of Nazareth, who claimed to be the only way to the Father, was breaking the law (How dare He!). The only problem was, the Pharisees were not living in the law in relationship, love, grace, and freedom. They, just as everyone else who took heed to it at that time, were living by the law the old testament sense (although they added a lot of extra legalism, which was NOT God's idea). They had no freedom to pick food on the Sabbath if they were hungry, because all they knew was, "obey, obey, obey," and, "do, do, do!" And it probably wasn't so much that they knew they were being selfish in the act, but that they were not aware of the new things God was doing, just as much of the church today. Everyone is just, "trying to do the right thing," when the first thing to work on is NOT DOING! In fact, we have freedom to not DO!

Do you understand what I am trying to say? The point of the law is not to be as a slave is to a master, mistreated, or condemned when you mess up. God does not expect perfection out of you! Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. It doesn't surprise the Lord when we mess up. The point is the relationship of the bride to the husband, the husband being the head of the household. The two are to be in love, and the wife, at the same time, is to be submissive. Our relationship with the Lord is a clear picture of this. You see, He wants us to do His will, and He wants us to be submissive to His authority, but He, more than anything, wants us to love Him, because He knows the fruit of true love is submission.

It is His perfect will that we live by the law, but only if our motive is to please Him and love Him. He does not want our dead works. He does not want our occasional love. He just wants us. He wants us to find the balance between faith and works (and find the balance between justice and exhortation), and live by His word because of our heart for Him, and not because we want to be good people or to do the right thing. The summary is this: faith without works is dead, works without faith is dead, belief is a verb, the law has not been abolished, and Yeshua wants you to know of His acceptance of you.

Bless you.

My Deepest Apologies.

I haven't been here in quite some time, but I assure you, I will be back soon with a recap of the last month and a half.

Breakthrough!

I am pleased to announce than I feel much better today, in more than one way! To summarize my breakthrough, I have seen a very thought provoking week, and thought, fought, and coughed through it. My belief system has been altered, my sinuses have been cleared, and I am more free than I was before!

The Lord is so good to me, and I cannot imagine living without Him! There would be no life. I must say, that through this week, even though I have wavered and been stuborn about what I thought He was telling me, He has just waited and patiently said, "I've got you right where I want you." Something that I am learning more and more every day is that pain is such a beautiful aspect of learning. Without the pain, we, in our human state, would be incapible of contrasting good and evil. What would good be without a contrary opponent? We would simply be living in what was called good but what felt ordinary. There is nothing good about feeling no pain on this earth. How could an imperfect man learn anything? On this earth, where imperfection prowls, there is no way that an absense of it, in effect, can be completely satisfactory to the sinful, indefinite being.

Praise God for the covenant He made with me at the cross, and that I am washed in the blood of the Lamb. Now I will taste freedom and new life, and it will be satisfactory to me.

Abundance is authored by Him alone, and all life flows from Him. I am dead to Christ, but because He is alive, I, in spirit, am alive, too. What a blessing. And yet knowing of all the benefits I get out of the relationship with my perfect heavenly Dad, He, simultaneously, gets all of the glory. Because it is all about Him, and He knows it.

Getting on to less important things, it is true, I am no longer sick. It is also true that I still have a wee stuffy nose, but I feel much better, all around. It is wonderful timing, because today is Saturday, and I can take some time to complete my 4-day-long period of resting on the Sabath!

In addition to the pain and reasoning He has been revealing to me, I have also been shown a glimpse of what is vanity to me. Yesterday, I was pondering what I was to read at the beginning of the Sabath, and Ecclesiastes was the winning elect. I have read in Ecclesiastes many times, but there is always something new to learn, so I started reading. He is teaching me what is vanity to me, what to change and what to let go of. I will keep you updated!

In Awe of Almighty,
With Sincerity,
Rachel Kennedy

Money, Mucus, and Matter.

Mucus is a disgusting word, isn't it? I guess I thought it might be the nicest way to put it into my clever "M" word title. And it is true, after all, my head is overflowing with it. My eyes are itchy, my nose is running, my throat is scratchy, and my ears tickle, too.

I thought, last night as I went to bed, that I would be better by morning, or at least well enough to go to work. The problem with assuming this is I would have had to have called in and found someone to take my shift last night. That's not something I thought through very well. I was therefore, left with two options: I could call in at 9:00am, when I am supposed to be there, and get management to call someone in for me, or two, I could go in and look myself for someone to come in from 10:00am, opening time, to 1:00pm. I chose the latter. I found that to be a more responsible and note-worthy behavior. I got to Express, called all of the associates that would be available, and got answering machine after answering machine. Finally, 10:00 rolls around and there is still no one to take my place. Quincina, or "Queen," one of my good manager friends there was opening with me this morning. Good thing, too, because she looks out for me. She needed my help with some mark-downs that our district manager, Lavern, wanted done, but then she let me go at about 10:40. Turns out I didn't have to work too hard, so now I'm home and blowing my nose here, instead.

My mother called from her current location of Rochester, NY just as I was leaving the store. She called to check on me and to remind me how precious I am to God. That brightened me up a bit. I decided, soon after, that I really wanted a cup of coffee. I headed over to DeBeen Espresso, my favorite local coffee joint, and ordered a frozen soy heath mocha with a double espresso. There's still a bit left, and man is it good! I honestly cannot wait until I have a good espresso machine of my own. Over a year ago, my step-father gave one for my mom for her birthday, but neither of us really like it. It is kind of a "fake" espresso maker for the average American who knows not what they do. However, he also passed away that day, and it has been difficult for her to give it up. She says she knows it shouldn't be that way; there is no need to be attached to an item. We will probably end up selling it and buying a new one. Then I will do wonders!

Decidedly, if I were you, I would be wondering what "Money, Mucus, and Matter meant." It probably hasn't crossed your mind since you've been reading, but maybe it did before. I will get on, then, to what I intended talking about, so you'll be without question. Money!

Often times, we realize not what we have taken into our own hands and placed on our own shoulders wrongly. Our human nature, because of sin, because of imperfection, tells us we have to depend on ourselves. We believe and are convinced, wrongly, that knowledge and human reason can get us through. This, friends, is a lie. I have been learning about dealing with what I own in a different way. I have been learning to trust in God to deal with it, and not depend on me, or not operate in fear of lack, but operate how HE wants me to operate. I am moving slowly, but as fast as I can. The truth is, it is not up to me to decide where my money goes or how I spend it. I must fully rely on Him not only to meet all of my needs, but to direct my revenue. This takes humility, prayer, and focus. It takes wisdom to know when to be quiet and ask Him for His mighty direction. His power overcomes all of our understanding. It is simply a matter of letting go of what we think we know is smart, what is smart in our culture's eyes, and our pride in thinking we know what is best.

This is so easy to say, so easy to type, but so hard to do. Trusting what we cannot literally see with everything we have seems impossible! But I have done too much planning, too much sorting, and too much worrying about what I have and what I am going to buy. It is all unnecessary. It is all His. It is time to let go.

It is amazing to me how the Lord changes me. It is not me changing myself, He is all up in it. He knows better than I, 'shew, much better than I that I cannot do anything on my own. He is faithful to show that to me when I need it most! Praise Him for putting you here! Praise Him for creating this earth! Praise Him for the food in your mouth! Praise Him for the song in your heart! Praise Him for the money in your pockets!

Praise Him,
With Sincerity,
Rachel Kennedy

The Real Beginning...

I am a wee bit sick. I have been fighting off "the sniffles" for a few days now, which is partially my fault, and partially Joseph's fault. Afterall, he was sick, and I was the one provoking him to physical contact, so we both played a roll in my aquiring my condition.

I continue to blow my nose and cough repeatedly, worse than the days before. I sincerely hope I regain my health by 7:00am tomorrow, when I have to wake to go to work from 9:00am - 2:00pm. Elseways, that could be less enjoyable than it already is.

I have been thinking a lot lately about where I am supposed to be, what I am supposed to be doing. I am a girl in need of change. Sometimes I simply feel that way, and that is the human in me. I like my scene to change often; a fast-paced change, with relatively easy-going effect. That is generally who I am, what I desire. However, God usually has a different way of seeing things, and I long for the day when my desires are in alignment with His. The completion of that will only come at the close of my visit here on earth, but until then, I must be selfless: continually giving all that I am in submission to my Heavenly Father, the Living God, and Yeshua, Jesus Christ, who is a part of Him. Lord, I beg of you, help me know Your ways, and help me acknowledge and turn from my insufficiency. You complete me, furthermore, You are who I want to mirror.

In all of my questioning, and in all of my decision making, this still lingers with me. I would like nothing less than to see and hear what He wants concerning my job, my schooling, my church, my relationship with my father, and my music. All of these things bring questions to the surface. I don't know exactly where to turn. I know I could go ahead and make my own decisions, but I know that would merely enhance the incompetence in me that lurks about. Amplifying nothing more than me, and that is not what I am after.

So, where to? Do I keep my job simply because I am afraid of my father's reaction to not having one? Absolutely not. Do I have another job or my small photography business (that I have ever drempt of) in line and ready to go, simply because I am afraid of my father's reaction to not having a job? Decidedly not. Do I stay at my church with the weight of discomfort on my shoulders as long as I can? Decidedly debatable. I am just waiting for God's go, and it is tempting to go ahead and move on, as I seem to want the future more than the present, sometimes. Sometimes all I want is to move to Nashville, or moreover, to London, get married, start a few businesses, maybe a coffee shop, and live in an apartment in the city. Then maybe throw in a few more guitars, more ambition and desire to learn that bloody instrument, and a dog, and you've got my escape plan. Maybe some of those things are the plan for me in the future, and maybe they are not, but I know I must look to God alone, and not to my outlet, or my escape, or to my future.

I know all of this, it is only a matter of believing it.

I leave you with this...

Christ is lifechanging, it is only a matter of letting him change your life.

Good Day & Good Tidings To You,
With Sincerity,
Rachel Kennedy.

The Beginning.

For some unknown reason I have created another blog. It will primarily be a more serious place, maybe even for my viewing only. That is something we don't know yet. I just figured I would write a bit and open her up.

Sincerely,
Rachel Kennedy.