Living and Learning, Pt. I

It has been quite some time since I have posted here–Quite some time. Hardly anyone knows about this blog anyway. This is different than my Xanga. I write silly things there, anything and everything. Here I write more seriously. Here I tell about the things God is doing, am usually totally honest, and try to use good grammar and things like that.

So, what is going on? I am learning so much–almost too much. At times it has felt like I am learning more than anyone else has at once, spiritually. I don't necessarily mean it in a good way, I mean, I have been burdened. I have been in a place where God is cutting me open, taking things out, and sewing me shut, which hurts. All of the pain medicine I've been desiring hasn't really helped, and it doesn't need to. I need to feel. I need to learn what I am learning, and go through what I am going through. There will always be a scar from this incision, but I'll be a more healthy and more stable human being in the end.

The thing is, I have been dealing a lot with root issues that most people never think of. I hope I say that without pride. I cannot guarantee that, but what I mean is that the church is unfortunately uneducated about root issues and causes for our behaviors and actions and feelings. Thank you God for putting me in places to where I can learn these things. So, there have been things like self-defense mechanisms and other issues that I have learned throughout my life so far, and that I am learning to deal with now. Such things have to do with my dad, relationships, keeping myself safe in those relationships. There has been a constant battle to grow closer to God since a few weeks before I moved to Florida. I guess that means I have a big call on my life.

But recently, this started with my jealousy over a girl I hardly know. The darling love of my life, Joseph, used to think he was going to marry this girl (before I knew him, of course), and it came up several weeks ago that she was in town again and they wanted to get together. Obviously, I am in Florida (I guess this journal missed my moving there! I live in Florida now), and he is in North Carolina, and I had also never met the girl at the time. I didn't feel okay about it, but I thought I was being unrealistic. I have guy friends, he has girl friends, and that is okay. But, I was having real trouble with this. A few weeks later, maybe three weeks ago, I drempt that they were hanging out together a lot, leaving me behind. I woke up thinking, What in the world? I have no reason to dislike this girl, but I still don't want them hanging out, and now I have had this dream. God, what is going on? Is this dream from you?

After praying into it some, I felt like God wanted me to look into the different reactions I had in this dream, and the reasons for them. So I began to dig. As I dug, I began to find pieces of information that lead deep into my motives. I noticed in the dream, that when Joseph and this girl were off on their own, I would hang around another guy, kind of looking for attention, say, as a sorce of comfort. This was looking to things other than God for comfort, which eventually boils down to idolatry. I had to confess idolatry. This might seem weird, I know. When you think of idolatry, you think of literal idol worship, or things that are more important to you, like boys or music, but this was more of an idolatrous action. I want comfort in something tangible, for lack of a more clever word, and so far I've found it in what people thought of me (and like things). This wasn't so much sobering, because I knew it was there, but coming to a realization and revelation of the true me is always breathtaking, in a way. I live and I think I am good, and it turns out that the Bible is right when it says I do not know my own heart.

The second thing was that I maintained control of the situation. Basically, I either agreed with people too much to avoid conflict, or I blasted them with knowledgeable sounding words, and could win any argument I got into, which used to be the kind of person I was. I believe that getting rid of these things is a process, and I still have some ways to go, but what I mean is, I really used to be that person. I was good with words and I used them to keep the situation under my control, and it worked. It has been a long, long time since I have gotten in an argument, but those needs for protection are subtly still in me. And this is one of the ways I reacted in the dream to the situation. Avoiding conflict.

There were other things, and I won't go on and on, but I finally concluded that the jealousy is not really the problem. I had this revelation that many people may not understand without God revealing it to them personally, but basically, it is okay to feel. I know that sounds so simple, but really, it is okay to feel. God gave us these emotions, and he gave them to us so that we can know what he is like, while they also allow us to feel what sin is like...which is why any pain exists, anyway. But we have emotions, and they have to go somewhere, and all I have ever done all my life is tuck them inside. I always thought it wasn't okay to feel them. Furthermore, I thought certain things were wrong to feel, so they would get tucked inside, too.

Take fear, for instance. Jesus said, "Do not fear." Listen, I am all for that, but sometimes I fear, and it is not good or righteous that I think I have a reason to fear, but the problem is not the feeling of fear, itself, but the motive behind the fear.

You see, when I am afraid, there is a reason, and the fear is there, in a way, to let me know that there is a reason–that there is something wrong with my thinking. Feeling the fear is a good and healthy thing, and I cannot just push it down, because it is there. I need to deal with what is behind it, however, if the feeling is already there, it is unfortunately not healthy to push it down and say, "That is wrong." Now that it is there, you have to do something with it. Like I said, most of the time I have chosen to keep it inside, but I have recently been learning things that have changed my life.

And this is a good place to end. Haha. I have to go to sleep now, because I must awaken at 7:30 and have a day filled with happiness and schoolwork.

Part II will come soon. Thanks for reading, folks.

Really a North Carolinian,
And With Much Sincerity,
Rachel