A New Day Has Begun

Today is a new day. I feel as though I am just beginning my day, but it is actually 2:55 PM, and that is hardly the beginning of any day. I have been awake since approximately 10:00 AM, and even though that was a late start, my day has been going ever since then.

I haven't done much with my day yet, though. So far, I have mostly rested. I have to tell myself that it was a wonderful restful morning, and that I needed that rest, to escape from any condemning thoughts, such as, "You haven't started school yet?" or "So far, you have wasted your day away." Maybe those are true sometimes, I'm not sure. But the truth is, I don't have to work today. I have no reason to begin my education at an early hour when I have all day, unless I just wanted to. Apparently I didn't want to.

So, here I am, really beginning my day. I come here, to DaSylva's Coffee, quite often. It seems that whatever battery that made me run when I was schooling at home has died. It seems I have to find an outlet to plug myself into, and coffee shops are it. I no longer have any desire to do school when I am at home. Maybe it is because I have "senioritis," or maybe it is because I have been doing it on my own, in isolation, for so long. But either way, I have to get out of my house in order to complete all of my tasks.

So, here we are. I am sitting by a window with a hot cup of coffee, my earbuds in my ears, and Ryan Adams serinading me as if he is in love with me too. He isn't, but it makes for a nice thought. My coffee is in a nice white mug and has a bit of milk in it. I usually drink my coffee black, but there are times when I am more in the mood for a softer taste, and I guess that is the mood I am in now.

Last night I spoke with Joseph on the phone, and that was a bit difficult. I despise hurting anyone, but especially him. I am trying to make the best decisions in my life, and I know that I will do a little flying and a little failing. I can't be perfect, and I hope that God will help me not expect myself to be, but I do want to do my best. I feel like I am doing alright with myself, though, concerning Joseph. I realized, especially, that I must be honest with myself, and that while I must think of others before myself, I cannot move into keeping peace simply because I want to be comfortable. What I mean is, I cannot deny my own feelings to make my best friend happy. As much as I would want to cause him no harm, I have to do what is best for both of us–––for our lives. This takes strength–––strength I believe I am developing.

Codependency, would be a good name for it. I love to save people. And I am not saying Joseph loves to be saved, but I suppose "codependency" comes to mind because it is what I grew up with, and I assume I am prone to it because of that. My mom wanted to save my dad, and my Dad wanted to be saved. We do things like this as humans for comfort. We are always looking for ways to make up for our experiences. My dad, for instance, wasn't nurtured like he should have been, and therefore still seeks that which he did not receive from his parents. My mom, on the other hand, had a relatively distant father, and therefore, wants to make sure everyone is happy. She has said that she thought she had to hold the family together a bit whenever there were hard times. I am not, by any menes, trying to sum up my parents decisions and faults in a few simple sentences. I am using blanket statements, and I am aware of this. It is not simple. Emotions are not simple and life is not simple. But, these are pieces of the great puzzles of who we are, and I am just summarizing a bit of my thoughts instead of writing 30 pages of intense psychological nonsense. I probably wouldn't be quite educated enough to do that anyway.

I love my parents. They have done a wonderful job. They gave more to me than they got from their parents, and while my mom's family life, especially, wasn't too shabby, no one's parents are perfect. And we can only get but so much truth and freedom from them.

The family is a beautiful system. As a child, I need things that only my father can give, as well as things only my mother can offer. They are both crucial rolls in my growing up. There are things I have missed from not having a whole family all of my life. But I am alright, and at least I know God can and wants to heal me from any pain or silly decisions I have made because of this imperfect experiences. I am going to make it, and can clearly see, I am much more whole than many other people out there. I haven't gone through hardly anything compared to many, many beautiful souls out there. I thank my Lord for that.

Well, I suppose I will wrap this up. It is fun writing like this. I am enjoying my assignment. Since I am a day behind in this journaling endeavor, I will post later after I have completed my other studies.


Rachel A. Kennedy