Him.

Sorry, but I am not going to follow up on the former entry. There is no part two. I'm out of my groove. It's over.

I have off and on considered leaving Xanga all together. I don't enjoy posting on it very much anymore, and I don't really appreciate a certain circle of friends that I have unfortunately gained there. I can't seem to really say how I feel, and I also seem to be easily angered at them.

I honestly people would just stop, sit down, and let God reveal more to them. I am so sick of church. I am so sick of Christian culture. All we care about is the sin of others instead of the hearts and well-being of the people. It makes me sick to my stomach and my heart aches within me for a change. I don't seem to know what to do with the way I feel, because there is no quick answer, like I have been bred by America to want. I hate that. I hate it.

It comes down to this, guys: no one on the planet actually has a clue what they're doing.

Sometimes we think we do, don't we. And sometimes we'll tell others about what we "know" or "what God taught me," and who knows, ten years down the road, we'll look back and realize it was very blind and ignorant. While in other areas, we will never realize that we've been wrong all along, and go on in our confidence telling people about what we think is the knowledge of God.

Let's face it, we can sing to God, we can feel His presence, and we can genuinely want to do things for Him, but when it comes to sitting silent for ten minutes in awe of Him (which, by the way, has nothing to do with doing anything), we end up thinking about other things, or some kind of sin, and can't come to be with Him quietly, without an agenda, or without a distraction.

I feel like my only purpose in life right now is to know Him. And no matter what I say about Him, I somehow get hammered for it by other Christians. Lately though, I can hardly blame them, because I am so often reminding myself about how none of us have a clue, and just to let it go. But I feel like my only agenda right now is to be in awe of Him. I want to be able to be in total awe of the poetry of His being, of sunsets, of creation. I want not religion, but Him. I want not unrealistic optimism, but trueness and authenticity. I want reality. I want God. I want relationship. I need it. I need it more than anything, and I only wish that others would understand their need for it too. I wish the sales pitches would stop. I wish the commercialized gospel would stop. I wish the religious would stop telling me I am wrong, and finally see what Jesus saw...people.

I guess I just wish that we did have a clue, but I am simultaneously fine and content with not. I feel like that is a reality I have found---the reality of me, of us. It is understanding that I am not much of anything, and though that seems like an elementary concept, it's not---it's not at all. It only seems that way because of over-used terms, and also because I can't seem to think of any other way to say it. But it's not elementary at all, and I would also go as far to say that none of us really understand it. We may understand a little piece for a little while, but it's a revelation, and that is the only way I have ever truely understood that little piece. And I am so finite that when I get it, I can't even keep it. I have to regain it over and over.

I just love God, and I love truth, but I can't see religious rules as part of that. My God is so freeing---my Jesus is so loving---the reality I am beginning to understand is not western, and if we were not here in America, I wonder if we would get it---if we would understand it better. But I don't know. People all over the world are screwed up, but that's okay, it happens. It can't really not happen. Anyway.

I'm just tired.

Whenever I look for God in religion, I can't seem to find Him.

I just want to look for Him now. That is all I want.

Blessings to you in your life.

Sincerely,
Rachel