Two Thousand Six

Since 2006 began, my life has mostly sucked. In the beginning I moved to Florida. Thus, moving away from the man I am in love with. Ever since then, and even a little before then, I have been on a constant struggle–––a constant path toward or from something. I can't decide which. Until recently, I haven't known what any of it meant. For a while I just thought I was going crazy. I've never really had a time in my life that was depressing. Not until this year. It's been a bit of an emotional roller coaster. And recently I realized...

All of this has been for one thing, and one thing alone. I have struggled through many important questions, and high amounts of doubt, all for this: to know God.

I realized recently that growing up in a western Christian culture, I didn't get a lot of important questions answered. It turned out that I had questions I never knew I had. And taking the time to stop and sort them out had nothing to do with me. God was gracious enough to sort them out for me. He is just that good.

What I mean is that, growing up, you don't go to church and find answers to questions like, Why do I exist? Why do I cry myself to sleep every few months, and don't know why? Why do I feel love and pain? You go to church and instead, you hear sermons intitled Three Godly Prayer Principles, Six Ways to Have a Godly Marriage, or How to Increase Your Knowledge of God. You hear people fighting over theology, arguing about whether someone should be teaching that class, or you find yourself in a business meeting where you learn that the ten commities involved with this have changed that and are raising money for a new welcome sign.

It turns out that when you grow up in a world that only teaches you how to do things, then you miss out on the deep, authentic love relationship, and maybe even more than you realize.

I've come to really understand the meaning of wrestling with the questions. God could reveal things to us at any time, but we have to want them before thay can be there. I have been finding this out for twelve months. I'm not done.

To wrestle with something, instead of finding a quick way out (like what we're used to), brings a certain depth in understanding that simply using five steps to solve it could never do. To go to the root of an issue, or to wrestle for an answer to the ultimate question, means something more. It means that embarking on a true search is necessary. It means that you have to deny the easy answers, and struggle through the hard ones until the toothpick comes out clean.

Almost all of this year I have been in doubt. I thought it was my own doubt; new doubt. New doubt that I somehow aquired in my disbelief of God. I've come to find out that they were questions that were there all along, and never got answered, because a dysfunctional group of people, who call themselves Christians, didn't know the answers either. I realized that all of this doubt and pain came from a place inside of me that I thought was nonexistant, and that God was mercifully pulling it all out of me, so that I could see what He wanted me to see.

This is something I could never do on my own. Nor is it something anyone could ever do without God's revelation of the reality.

You see, I am slowly realizing something about love. I have been looking up from the bottom of this ladder. This ladder is all of Christianity. This ladder is what I have climbed my whole life. It is everything–––good, bad, ugly, lovely. This ladder is my life, and the life of everyone else who claims Christianity–––religious or relational. I have been looking up from the bottom of this ladder and seeing things that I couldn't see while I was on it. I see things that I would have never seen if God had never plopped me here, at the bottom, to look at the whole picture.

I feel like He is telling me that none of this matters. By none of this, I mean, the do. It's like I have said before, I am not a human doing, I am a human being. I am slowly realizing that I am nothing, and that everyone is nothing, and that is totally okay. Believe it or not, it's okay with God too. He knew what He was creating when He created it. For some reason we think He didn't know what He was getting into. I don't know why we think that.

The bottom line for me right now is that, Jesus came to this earth, right? He came to this earth and He said, "Marry Me!" I said, "Yes." He said, "Okay, now your name changed. You didn't really change, but your name did, so it doesn't matter what you do, you've got my name for good. It's important that you try, but the most important thing is that you realize how much I love you, and how you don't actually have to do anything to pay me back. You can't anyway." And I said, "But God, your people are telling me I have to do these ten things to be a good Christian. They're telling me I have to go to church every time the doors are open. They're telling me that if I listen to certain kinds of music, that you won't love me anymore, and that if I don't constantly try to 'do' for you, then you will be displeased, and I will need to confess over and over because my name isn't actually changed for good." And he said, "Oh gosh, what? I never said that!"

What I am saying is that God changed my name and that was the end. Does morality matter? Yes. Does theology matter? Yes. But have you noticed how many souls theology debates have won to the Lord lately? Yes, i've noticed that too. Not many. When we focus foremost on how to live, we then appear like any other religious system. And we wonder why people don't understand! Go survey your neighbors and see what they think of the church. Get into reality, talk to people other than Christians. You'll see that the church is a little caught up in itself sometimes, and that the person of Jesus didn't have that in mind. Jesus loves me. I love Him. I believe that if I am truely in awe of His being, and if I really accept is love, the rest will eventually fall into place. It is, after all, out of His grace and love that I am here with this insight today. He had me wrestle with reality. He had me face my fears, my doubts, and my worries, which by the way, are never going to totally go away. I am too finite. But, He had me see that He is it. He is all. He is for me, not against me. And He changed my name for good at the cross.

There is an enormous difference between scriptural Christiantiy and other religions. That difference is the relational aspect. We damage so much when we sell the gospel like and intellectual club to join, because people miss the point and see it as just another belief system to choose from. We know this is not the truth, but I can certainly understand why it is viewed that way. I do hate what the church has become, but more than anything my heart aches inside of me for it to be made right, for people to know the Jesus I know, and especially those who feel utterly hopeless inside. I can't explain the passion I feel, but I really love people. I want them to find happiness and meaning, and I want them to know true authentic relationship. If anyone has questions, please ask me, I am up for answering them.

Here is scriptural Christianity in a nutshell...

Jesus came to this earth and said, "You're broken. I'm not broken. Marry me and I'll give you my last name––my identity. We can share that identity, and we can be in love, and life will not be perfect, but it had to be this way. My Father wanted to give you and everyone else choices in life. He didn't want you to be puppets. He wanted authentic relationship with you that you chose. This is free."

That is the bottom line. And that is all I have to say at this time.

Thanks for listening.

Sincerely,
Rachel A. Kennedy

Him.

Sorry, but I am not going to follow up on the former entry. There is no part two. I'm out of my groove. It's over.

I have off and on considered leaving Xanga all together. I don't enjoy posting on it very much anymore, and I don't really appreciate a certain circle of friends that I have unfortunately gained there. I can't seem to really say how I feel, and I also seem to be easily angered at them.

I honestly people would just stop, sit down, and let God reveal more to them. I am so sick of church. I am so sick of Christian culture. All we care about is the sin of others instead of the hearts and well-being of the people. It makes me sick to my stomach and my heart aches within me for a change. I don't seem to know what to do with the way I feel, because there is no quick answer, like I have been bred by America to want. I hate that. I hate it.

It comes down to this, guys: no one on the planet actually has a clue what they're doing.

Sometimes we think we do, don't we. And sometimes we'll tell others about what we "know" or "what God taught me," and who knows, ten years down the road, we'll look back and realize it was very blind and ignorant. While in other areas, we will never realize that we've been wrong all along, and go on in our confidence telling people about what we think is the knowledge of God.

Let's face it, we can sing to God, we can feel His presence, and we can genuinely want to do things for Him, but when it comes to sitting silent for ten minutes in awe of Him (which, by the way, has nothing to do with doing anything), we end up thinking about other things, or some kind of sin, and can't come to be with Him quietly, without an agenda, or without a distraction.

I feel like my only purpose in life right now is to know Him. And no matter what I say about Him, I somehow get hammered for it by other Christians. Lately though, I can hardly blame them, because I am so often reminding myself about how none of us have a clue, and just to let it go. But I feel like my only agenda right now is to be in awe of Him. I want to be able to be in total awe of the poetry of His being, of sunsets, of creation. I want not religion, but Him. I want not unrealistic optimism, but trueness and authenticity. I want reality. I want God. I want relationship. I need it. I need it more than anything, and I only wish that others would understand their need for it too. I wish the sales pitches would stop. I wish the commercialized gospel would stop. I wish the religious would stop telling me I am wrong, and finally see what Jesus saw...people.

I guess I just wish that we did have a clue, but I am simultaneously fine and content with not. I feel like that is a reality I have found---the reality of me, of us. It is understanding that I am not much of anything, and though that seems like an elementary concept, it's not---it's not at all. It only seems that way because of over-used terms, and also because I can't seem to think of any other way to say it. But it's not elementary at all, and I would also go as far to say that none of us really understand it. We may understand a little piece for a little while, but it's a revelation, and that is the only way I have ever truely understood that little piece. And I am so finite that when I get it, I can't even keep it. I have to regain it over and over.

I just love God, and I love truth, but I can't see religious rules as part of that. My God is so freeing---my Jesus is so loving---the reality I am beginning to understand is not western, and if we were not here in America, I wonder if we would get it---if we would understand it better. But I don't know. People all over the world are screwed up, but that's okay, it happens. It can't really not happen. Anyway.

I'm just tired.

Whenever I look for God in religion, I can't seem to find Him.

I just want to look for Him now. That is all I want.

Blessings to you in your life.

Sincerely,
Rachel